playing my part in Saturday's boozy football events planned by JG and friends, I went to my second football match ever (I've calculated since I'm 31 that's one match every 15.5 years. I will not need to attend another one until I am 46.5 years old). I was secretly only there for the pie, and it was so disappointing. although Four'n'Twenty seems to have improved on the gristly bits we complained about as kids, they've given up on the flavour. I didn't feel like I was eating a coronary-inducing cow-in-gravy-in-pastry like I was expecting. it wasn't even salty. it was a bit... nothing. JG tried to re-educate me on the sauce issue, but I'm afraid I retain my ignorance- it doesn't improve the experience at all.
and after all the beer and singing and dancing and hooting we left in search of more beer, and since most other people seem to think pies give you indigestion (and take up beer space), they hadn't eaten, so we had chips and Twisties. this was turning into one big canteen day for me, since I've not really dug the junkfood much since the age of twelve (which you'll notice coincides with acne and stretchmarks for some people). and then everyone was still hungry so the only thing left to do was order pizza.
Domino's Tony Pepperoni comes highly recommended by my sister, so it was an obvious choice. the other was something involving ham, bacon and pineapple, since I am a pineapple-hating fascist and JG's brother had already admitted to pineapple sympathies. I wanted to weed out the others; as I suspected they were many. Tony Pepperoni with his fabulous salami did not fail to impress.
cut to after the scene after an inebriated CM was safely bundled out of the apartment and into the elevator by his friends, who were under strict instructions from his big brother JG not to attempt to take him to the casino. we'd cleaned up the broken glass, empty cans and bottles, and discovered that there was no leftover pizza. we finished off the last of the Twisties (why stop now?) and sat down with a beer in front of the TV. an advertisement for McDonald's explained that they now make the burgers to order. while I was pondering the obvious merits of a not-squashed burger, JG suggested it out loud. and so we stumbled out into the carnage of Elizabeth St on Saturday night, picking our way down to 'the Beirut end', through the silver dresses and white shoes, girls freezing without jackets, boys with big hair and no arses to hold up their skinny jeans, all of them eating burgers or fries. it was Munchies Mecca, and it was grotesque.
"I'm not sure we should be here" said JG, queuing up nonetheless.
"What kind of burger do you want?" he asked, at which point I backed out of the plan.
"I'll just have some of your fries".
he ordered two burgers anyway, which indeed were not lurking, pre-made, anywhere to be seen, and we made our way home.
back on the couch I discovered my second disappointment: I remember the fries tasting like something and now they tasted like nothing.
"Is it wrong to add salt to the fries?" I asked JG, knowing it truly was.
the Big Mac with bacon was exactly as I remember the McDonald's beef burger experience, but with added ideology (a drawing of a cow on the box - beef comes form cows? no way! - and a map of Australia with Xs - the beef comes from here and here - where? is that, like, Sale? or Deniliquin? this map sucks. oh, and a nutritional information panel - stop it, you're scaring me.) in short, the beef experience was predictably underwhelming.
the chicken burger, however, was a surprise, possibly because I've never eaten a McDonald's chicken product (as far as I can remember). it was an irregular-shaped crumbed thing, with Tatsoi salad on a water split bun (no, I have no idea either, but it was a nice looking bun with flecks of wheat bran on top and a split down the middle, like a little bum crack). the mayonnaise let the ensemble down, being nothing more that white coagulated fats and fluids, sans flavour, but overall this burger had taste. not so great that I couldn't wait another five years for my next attempt, but better than I expected.
the undisputed glory of our foray into the world of convenience food was Tony Pepperoni. he might even visit again sometime. McDonald's was in second place but won't be asked back for a while. Four'n'Twenty was sadly lagging way behind and needs work, but given my fondness for pies I'm inclined to search out a good pie and pitch it against Tony Pepperoni, undisputed winner, in a junkfood rematch (just without the chips, Twisties, McDonalds and so much beer).
and I'll spare you the scenes depicting the resulting three days of various gastric discomforts.
